Seven Years Went Under the Bridge

Today’s a bittersweet anniversary; I’ve worked for Nestle Toll House/Haagen-Dazs for 7 years today! I really should be happy since it’s the longest I’ve held any job and I’ve made lots of new friends and people smile, but at the same time this company or job was supposed to have been just a stopping point until something else came along. I was looking (and sort of still am) for a career in either animation or corporate communication. I also was trying to make C & S Productions a huge success so I’d never have to leave home again. In my opinion, this is a bittersweet day indeed and I think I’ve proven my point.

When I first started it was almost all fun. I suppose it was because it was something new; I’d never worked in a food industry type environment before and I also was discovering that I could in fact bake granted all that was required was placing cookie pucks on a cookie sheet and pressing a couple of buttons on an oven. I also had always wanted a job in the mall; I always thought it’d be cool to work, get a meal, and shop all in the same place! I didn’t realize how stressful it could (and did) become! I learned how to dip cones in chocolate, put sprinkles on some, nuts on others, and cookie crunch on others. It was fun!

My dreams kind of got tainted when learning how much work went into all this and people started getting themselves into trouble for various things. A customer complained about a fly on her cookie, a coworker said he couldn’t come into work because he was stranded on the side of a highway, money ended up missing, and on and on things would come. Eventually, the idea of coming to work seemed more stressful. There were people who would shoplift at various stores around us and be arrested in front of our store. Someone would not show up for a shift once in a while, blame would be passed from person to person, meetings became only about the sales goals and not team building, and contests seemed rigged (the same person would win every contest every time). I had enough!

By my third year, I left to find something better, but I stayed on payroll. When I returned I found no one would do his/her work; the store looked ransacked and no one cared. I was full of energy again and brought back excitement and enthusiasm! Eventually things picked up again and we had fun. Not everyone was back from the first time; some had been fired, others left on their own accord, and some went away to college/university and never returned. We also had a new owner and I wasn’t exactly thrilled at first with him. By the end of my third year, a few more people had been fired or moved on and I had left just before becoming a shift leader because again I thought I could find something better, but eventually I started training to be a leader.

Eventually, by probably my 5th year, I became a shift leader and ice cream inspector; I also made several friends or at least very close acquaintances with several coworkers. A few more people had left, planning began more seriously about remodeling the store and I had become ice cream manager and was now closer to the owner; he became a role-model and a friend (you all know him as Thayne Thompson or “Dad”). Around this time I also was beginning to get used to (in some way) our newest manager Nicole. I can assure by last year only 2 of us (from the original 10 I knew) were left to share stories of “the good ol’ days” which in my opinion weren’t as great as I remember.

This is now my 7th year and I’m wondering just how much will change yet again as we face the last phase of our remodel and finally have yet another full staff. How many times have I stated or implied we have a full staff? How many times have we been short-staffed? It’s been a crazy, wild ride these past 7 years! Prices of ice cream have gone up by about $1 (maybe more); cookie prices went from $1.75 (pre-tax) to $1.99 (pre-tax); ownership has changed at least twice since I’ve been here; I’ve seen a raise of $2 since I started; and I’ve seen at least 3 managers!

I’m sure, if you know songs very well at all, have the lyrics and/or song all figured out for what my title of this entry comes from. If not, I’m ready to share it with you. I’ll just say I almost think, one day I will be singing this to Thayne and if not orally at least in my head.

Well, thanks for the memories and hope to make more!

Love and prayers as always! ❤ (The lyrics are below.)

If you leave, don’t leave now
Please don’t take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we’ll go our separate ways
We’ve always had time on our sides
But now it’s fading fast
Every second
Every moment
We’ve got to, we’ve gotta make it last
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we’d still be friends someday
If you leave
I won’t cry
I won’t waste one single day
But if you leave, don’t look back
I’ll be running the other way
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You’ve got to, you’ve gotta say you will
I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we’d meet again
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we’d still be friends
I touch you once I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we’d meet again someday
If you leave
If you leave
If you leave
Don’t look back
Don’t look back
“If You Leave” Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark, 1986.
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White Rabbit with Questions

White Rabbit!

Who made me a leader? What is my purpose? Where do I see myself in a year? When will things finally improve for my family and myself? Why do I still keep my business even though it’s not making as much money as I’d hoped? How do I keep myself motivated when times are tough, such as right now? These questions are just a few that I found myself asking today while Mom and Steven went grocery shopping without me. I was home waiting for a phone call (more about that another time). I guess, now that it’s been about 9 hours since I started asking all those questions, I should start answering them again because before I know it I’ll be back at work in about 10 hours or so.

Who made me a leader? I guess I was born a leader; I have always tried to stand up for “the little guy” as it were. Some times, when I was much younger and even today, I am constantly bullied and belittled. I am bullied usually because I appear much softer and nicer than most people, so others think they can take advantage of me in that regard. They think I’ll just cave under pressure. I used to when I was much younger give in quite regularly to these meanies and give them whatever they wanted. I was afraid that if I didn’t they’d beat me up or mock me, etc. Sure I was scared and I didn’t always stand up for “the little guy.” One “little guy” was actually Steven. I pushed him away when I was younger and even until I graduated college/university the first time. I guess I did so thinking that maybe all the propaganda was right; I’d be successful if I didn’t have a “tag-along” or a “shadow” as it were. I didn’t want someone clinging to me. Much later I learned how wrong I was and how wrong the propaganda is!

What is my purpose? I’m still figuring that out, but I know it’s giving voice to those without one and leaving this world better than how I found it. 🙂 I learned that pretty early on in my life. That is the reason I feel so strongly about being a leader or an advocate. I was probably about 6 or 7 when I watched the movie that inspired me to do just that. The scene I’m thinking of is when the major character asks “What is man’s use? Why is he born at all?” The answer comes back, in summary, to leave the world in a better state than how he found it. Even at such a young age, I realized this is very important and must somehow be attainable for everyone (or at least we should try to be the best we can to those we love or encounter).

Where do I see myself in a year? I’ll probably, sadly to some extent, still be serving cookies and ice cream. I don’t want to be stuck there! I want to be making lots of money with my own company and able to work from home. I want to be financially independent and debt free! As it stands, my credit card debt is astronomical and I was hoping to have it paid off by summer.

When will things finally improve for  my family and myself? I wish I could answer that! If I could answer that I’d be well on my way to a stress-free life and things would even calm down for me. As is, I have no answer; I am just hoping and praying it will be soon!

Why do I still keep my business even though it’s not making as much money as I’d hoped? Mainly I’m keeping it because I want to make it a success and I hope to prove to everyone (myself included) that this was indeed a risk worth taking and doing. I also want to show everyone that you can indeed work for yourself; you don’t need to slave away under the corporate shadow and economic greed of large corporate giants!

How do I keep myself motivated when times are tough, such as right now? My biggest motivation is the same as my purpose and why I am an advocate/leader: to leave this world better than I found it and to give a voice to those who have none!

Well, I think I’ll sign off there because my head’s starting to hurt again; I don’t know why and I’m sweating. Great! I think I know why my head hurts now; my blood sugar/glucose is probably sky-high again! 😦

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Here I Go Again

About two days have passed now and I’m still infuriated! 😡 An artist on Deviant Art (where I’m also a member) posted his last piece stating that after posting it he was committing suicide. He had enough cyber bullying and mockery from a video game (the same video game that I’ve stated that Steven rages over). I tried to post to a community/forum that was started to help other players have a voice, share artwork, etc. about the game. When I made the thread I got much of the same bullying and threats. Some users said that “it was a personal problem” and that I “panick[ed] the [Splatoon] community [unjustly and] unnecessarily.” I tried to argue that it was indeed the community’s fault and that they should “be aware that someone committed suicide because of the game.” Again I was shot down! They insist that there is no reason to worry or bother them; I should “try to get in touch with that person [your]self!” So I did try, but to no avail. I finally had to go on to work and try to forget about it. When I got home to check the status of the said thread, it was gone! It was deleted; I was and still am dumbfounded! There is no record of it in my history of posts or on the forum itself. I’ve tried contacting the admins and no one is replying as of yet.

When I finally reflected on all this as calmly and rationally as I could late last night and earlier today I came to a conclusion. Perhaps this is indeed who I am. I finally have a word for my leadership and why I’m a leader. I am an advocate; I am the voice for change and for those who cannot (for whatever reason) speak for themselves! I will fight for change and equality; I will make their voices heard! I’m willing to stand up and fight on their behalf. I am a leader and even if no one agrees with me, I believe I am doing what is morally correct! I may be “double trouble” but if it gets the job done and helps the weak and voiceless heard, then I am doing my job as an advocate! This, this alone is my sole reason, perhaps, for being a leader!

Here I go again; I am stirring up all kinds of trouble. I’ve done it several times in the past and I’ll do it again! You cannot stop me! I will make my voice (and many others’) heard! You are either a supporter of my cause(s) or an opponent; I will not take mediocrity or indecisiveness. If I’m double trouble for fighting to make the weak and voiceless heard, then so be it! Come what may; I will not back down!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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A Little Prayer Goes a Long Way

Lately my bank account has seen better days. I have said a little prayer each day asking the LORD to help me pay my bills and to make it at least until the next payday. My first prayer was answered by an early paycheck (everyone got an early paycheck), but it still seemed a bit insignificant for my small balance. I prayed again; this time I was rewarded with more tips. I brought about $4 home that night. I kept praying; by now I was about to cry and in fact I wailed aloud in my car (and if anyone could have heard me they probably would have thought maybe someone in my family died or something). “Help me!” Days went by and still I’d heard nothing. I had contacted my health insurance company about a week or so prior and had all but given up hope when I opened my email one morning. There was an email saying that indeed they had overcharged me for two months worth of premiums. I was given the option of either being reimbursed (which would take about 30 days) or putting it towards March’s premium and not being charged. I picked the latter. My prayer seems to have been answered. I haven’t been able to pay as much off on my credit card this month, but I’m getting in the right direction again. I have been putting all my faith in God and He’s heard me! ❤

Yesterday, and today, my driveway was/is a sheet of ice! 😯 I still had to be at work, though. Steven took me to work. I prayed that he’d be safe and that we’d find a way to get me home safely because he had informed me that he wasn’t going to be able to get his car back out without risking an accident since now his driveway had iced over as well. I talked with Nicole and she agreed to bring me home! 😀 Yay! my prayer was answered again; I pray she made it home safely, too. She brought me with her two dogs and we were very careful and safe at least making it to my house. ❤

Now I am praying still, I don’t quit praying any more, only this time I’m praying for safety of all who have to travel tomorrow and live in the same region that I do. There are predictions for more ice and freezing rain (maybe sleet, too) tonight into tomorrow. I hope everyone will either be able to stay home (which is the best option) or be safe as they are forced to travel for work, etc. ❤ I am also still praying for myself to keep my bank account growing; I also pray that my ideas for C & S Productions will soon flourish and I will be able to stay home on days such as yesterday and tomorrow! ❤

Love and (yes, of course) prayers, as always! ❤

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Try Your Hardest

When I was younger, Steven and I often played in our backyard. A lot of times in the summertime when we were playing it became very hot and humid; often I made up songs “to summon the wind to cool us down” I often said growing up. While it was most likely mere coincidence that the wind would blow as I sang, I don’t think it’s mere coincidence what I was asking for; it was hot and we wanted to cool down fast. The only way I could think of cooling us down was to either go in to the air-conditioned house and do lesson plans Daddy planned for us (We had to constantly over summer re-learn and study so we wouldn’t forget anything we had learned the previous year in school, or so Daddy told us.) or pray for some cool wind to come by and alleviate some of the heat and sweat from our bodies. Part of one of the songs I made up and sang was as follows “Blow wind, blow your hardest; try your hardest!” A lot of times when the wind finally did blow it did blow quite hard for a 10-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy. I remember thinking it would be neat if we lived at Grandpa George’s house and had the huge backyard to fly a kite in with all the wind I managed to summon. Steven just laughed and was happy that I managed to call some wind to cool us down. I smiled and then we’d make our way to the swing set where we’d laugh and carry on about other such nonsense.

Fast forward to today. I still find myself singing and making up songs; one such song has part of the aforementioned lyrics: “Try your hardest!” I often find myself singing this newer song when I’m trying very hard to make something work whether that be for C & S Productions or my part-time job at the mall. Part of it goes something like this: “You’ll get what you want if only you’ll try; try your hardest!” Today I’m singing that song (or at least the refrain to it) constantly in my head.

As I’m trying to get my to do list done and many other tasks that aren’t on there, I’m “pushing myself to try my hardest. Things won’t get done if I don’t try! Try your hardest!” I’m also reminding myself of this as I look at the date; today is my half-birthday (yes, I know it’s silly to “celebrate” my half-birthday) and I feel that my life’s not getting anywhere fast. I’m on the road to bankruptcy again and yet no one has been able to help me get out of it. I’d say it’s my own darned fault, but I’ve worked to hard; I’ve been trying my hardest to get out and to make a go of it. If only there was a way for me to have you all help me in some small way. I have another 2 bills waiting to be paid and soon 2 more will be withdrawn automatically on March 1. What’s a girl to do?!

If you’re like me, you need that extra push to say “try your hardest” and hopefully today (or some day soon) things will change and you won’t need that motivation quite so much! I’m pulling for you and I hope you are pulling for me, too! 🙂

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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A Time to Think

I don’t get much time alone any more, but when I do it’s usually time to think, reflect, and pray. Today while doing my evening routine on my computer, it’s a time to think. Tonight, I’m going to share some of my thoughts with you.

I just finished going through my On This Day feed on Facebook and one of my last items on there was a video. I watched all 5 minutes of it. In the video a man explains what it’s like to be a father; I am actually near tears right now. This man explains just what I’m sure Daddy was like and how he felt. In the beginning he dances in the kitchen with his wife and one of his three children wants him to kiss their mom; another child thinks it’s disgusting. There are other clips just as funny and heartfelt, but if I mention too many of them I’ll just be mentioning Daddy, so I’ll sum it up by saying at several points I remember that Daddy gave a lot of time and energy to Steven and myself just like the dad in the video. I think, Daddy was a very selfless man and he did what he could with what he had. I know he was very proud of Steven and me; it was just difficult for him to tell us some times. I think this year will be the hardest yet because I have, finally, come to terms with him moving on from this world.

I guess I don’t really have much else to report; my thoughts mostly have been all over the board and I can’t devote time to every little thought because they’re so random and would just be a couple of sentences each. 🙄 I know I’m crazy; let’s not go there! 😆

Anyway, just wanted to post something about that video and some thoughts about Daddy while I was at it. Hope you all have a great Valentine’s/Me-Day and I might write something next week; not sure yet if I will, but we’ll see! 🙂

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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What Do I Say?

Firstly, I’ll apologize for not being here sooner again. I feel I do that a lot and it’s not fair to all of you fellow travelers (followers/subscribers). We walk along this journey (life) together and somehow, someway, I often deviate from the path with all of you; I start walking alone again. I’m sure most of you, whenever I do such things, that don’t know me in real life wonder, What is that girl up to now? Where’d she go? It’s in times like that you probably think I shouldn’t have started this blog if I’m just going to abandon it. I’ll admit  it’s times like that I’m asking myself and debating with myself if I do write, what do I say? What do I tell you? Do I just say, e.g., I cleaned my bedroom today, or I edited videos, etc. What do I say? Today, I want to tell you a lot of what’s on my mind, so if you’re looking for some sort of scripture inspiration, sorry you won’t find it today. If you’re looking to see we’re all the same and I’m just like you, then stick around because I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ll find today (and a really long entry).

I want to start today by saying, I went to my endocrinologist almost a week ago. For the first time in a long time I didn’t get good news. On the contrary, there was only one iota of good news: I’ve lost about 5 pounds since October (let’s hope and pray I don’t put it all back on). My a1c is now at 7.4 (it’s supposed to be 7.0 or lower and I’d been shooting for 4.0 or 5.0) and my triglycerides are astronomical. I also have to give up a lot of my favorite foods (mostly fried foods) and put myself on a super strict diet. This means I will most likely lose more weight, but I’ll also be super depressed being unable to eat a lot of my favorite foods. My endocrinologist also said I needed to get my dilated eye exam done because I still hadn’t done it. (I hate having my eyes dilated!) I am happy to report I did that yesterday on my day off work. The ophthalmologist said my eyes look extremely healthy and I have nothing to worry about; so that’s good!

While we’re on the topic of health, I decided to try calling in a cholesterol prescription that I thought was due. Steven drove me up to the pharmacy, since I couldn’t see from my eye exam. I went to the counter expecting to get the medicine; instead I found out that the prescription hasn’t been filled since October of last year. I was very confused. After she, the pharmacist, explained this all to me it came to my realization that I’d turned slightly into my mom; I’m starting to forget things! This isn’t good at all! Then, as I’m returning to Steven’s car, I realized one of the side effects of one of my new medicines (even though it’s the name brand) is confusion. I’m also reminded that other reasons I’ve been feeling down lately is another one of the side effects, but the endocrinologist didn’t seem phased when I said I wasn’t feeling quite so peppy (and that was before he told me all my other problems). All the endocrinologist suggested was I needed a therapist or someone to talk to, mediation, prayer, etc. Well, that’s all about my health. Next is finances.

Finances always get me all worked up. This month, though, really got me! I decided to set up auto-pay for my health insurance (and help Steven do the same). Well, while setting it up I read that the current bill would still be due and that auto-pay would take at least a month to initialize, so I figured that meant I still had to pay for February. Fine with me. So I setup auto-pay and paid this month’s premium, however, when I set it up somehow it paid for February and I didn’t realize it so I paid for February as well. That means I paid twice and now I’m down pretty low in my account. This means now I can’t pay for hardly anything else this month and everyone else has to help me for a bit. DANG IT! That is including my groceries.

Groceries are now a challenge; going along with my health (new diet) that means I can’t just pick up whatever looks good on the shelf and I have to worry about costs, too. So while I’m waiting for my account to go up again, Mom’s helping me pay for my groceries. I’m trying to re-teach myself on what I can and should be eating versus what just looks or sounds good. This means now I’m meticulously reading labels and trying extra hard to plan meals (mostly work lunches and breakfasts). I don’t think I’ve worked this hard on groceries in a very long time! Going along with that means doing something else I haven’t done in a long time: budgeting!

Don’t get me wrong, I do budgeting just not on a large-scale nor is it written down usually anywhere. I think I’m going to have to try writing down and sticking to a very strict budget; why does everything have to be so strict lately?! My finances, my health, EVERYTHING! So starting in March (maybe as early as next paycheck) I’m going to put together a spreadsheet and work out what I can spend and where every two weeks. Maybe then everything will finally fall into place and I’ll be happier again!

Oh crap! I just realized Lent is coming up soon! Lent begins on Valentine’s Day this year. I guess I’ll be working diligently on my Lenten promises again, too. What am I doing this year? I haven’t a clue; I’ll be praying to the Holy Spirit to guide me in whatever direction I’m needing improvement. I’m already trying to be neighbor to everyone, so I’m not sure what’s next. We’ll see!

Well, I told you today’s entry would be long and I’m not joking. I just looked at my word count and I’m over 1000 words. I think I’ll stop there because I still have other things to do before work (yes, I’m writing this in the morning before work). Time to look at ideas for lunch and maybe start that budget. Oh and I guess I’ll start looking into ideas for what to buy at the grocery store on Thursday for meals for next week. I’ll try not to deviate from traveling with you, but I make you no promises.

Until next time…

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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A simple, yet very complex word. I can’t say why I chose this word today, but for some reason this is in my head constantly today. Now which pronunciation do I have in my head? Does it rhyme with “tied”? Or does it rhyme with “bend”? I realize also that those aren’t perfect rhymes, but please bear with me; I have a slight sinus headache. 😦 To answer the question, I’m going to address some of the key things that have been going on in my life since I last wrote two weeks ago.

So the storm I talked about last time came and went and not much happened. Sure my driveway was once again a sheet of ice that I defrosted many times over and yes, I made it to work. Mom had her cardiology appointment and is wearing a heart monitor (this is hopefully her last week on it), she’s had an eye appointment as well (that’s a topic for another entry to itself), I have my endocrinology appointment tomorrow (yikes! 😯 ) so please pray for that, I’ve been working a lot on my stories in hopes of doing some self-publishing (I still need an illustrator willing to work with a very small if not non-existent pay rate if we get published), and a surprise visit from Thayne yesterday. Winds of change are ever-present. There ya go! That’s the pronunciation I was going for in this entry! 😉

Also my mind’s been whirling and swirling much like the winds outside lately. I have emotions both good and bad and I’m also slightly stressed. I’ve had so much going on that I have very little time to myself. You’ll often find me in my bedroom, alone, with some music playing (with the exception of tonight for the reason stated above). Several song lyrics have crossed my mind within the past week; a line from a made-for-home movie also has crossed my mind. I’ve even had a scripture passage come to mind. Of course, I’ll share them all with you; give me a minute or two to “talk” will ya?

I will apologize if this entry seems less formal than what you’re used to me writing, but with my head hurting and thoughts just flowing (I’m only correcting things if they are way off or misspelled) I’m just going to keep writing (err, typing) as they come.

I’ve had at least two people encouraging me as of late not to give up. One was a surprise because I’m just now finally feeling like we’ve become a bit closer in relationship (yes, that person is Nicole: my manager). The other one is not such a surprise since he’s been by me no matter what; yes, that’s Steven! ❤ I love them both (just in different ways of course) and appreciate the fact that I’m kept grounded, but not too much by both. This is a topic, of course, for another entry if I ever get around to it. 🙄

So here’s the song lyrics and where they came from (I’m not listing the full songs this time) if you’d like to listen to the songs in their entirety you can look them up (they’re totally awesome). “…[Y]ou are the wind beneath my wings…” (Wind Beneath my Wings by Bette Middler, 1988) “…Can you catch the wind? Can you see a breeze?…” (Mind’s Eye by d.c. Talk) “…[T]hen you can paint with all the colors of the wind…” (Colors of the Wind by Judy Kuhn, 1995)

Now the line from the movie actually has nothing to do with wind, but it did make me think of the wind, for whatever bizarre reason. “‘…This could be our way out!’ ‘Our way out!'” (“Here Comes Garfield”, 1982)

Finally here’s the scripture passage that came to mind. “And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper” (1 Kings 19:12b).

All these things kept coming to me for the past week (almost two weeks). I’m kind of glad that they did; they kept me in check and reminded me that it is in the subtleties of life that we are reminded of who we are and of God’s presence in our lives. At least that’s what I got out of all this!

Well, there you have it; wind has been present and helping me throughout most of these past two weeks and I’ve been reminded of just how blessed I am. I also hope you’ll forgive me for not writing sooner.

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Who’s Ready? I’m Ready!

How many entries have I said something along the lines, “I’m going to change!” or “I can’t take this any more?” I’m also certain I’ve said, “I’m ready!” or “Here I am!” in many places and many different ways. Here I am again and this time I mean it!

Who’s ready? I’m ready!

Today, while waiting in the lobby of Mom’s glaucoma specialist one of the many things I did during my almost 3-hour wait was research self-publishing. While I have written many stories over my fairly short life of 36 (almost 37 😯 ) years, I haven’t really tried super hard to get my work published. The hardest I tried was one summer while in grade school; I sent what I later learned was called “an unsolicited manuscript” to Scholastic (the quote is what they wrote in the letter). I was turned down within a month, but I never stopped writing. After that I stopped trying to get published, but I didn’t stop writing.

I’m now ready again. I’m ready this time, though, to publish my own works. I have at least 3 books I plan to try to self-publish. One is in very rough draft format and I wrote over the course of 7-8 months (5 months of which were in my head), but I plan to proofread it like mad and re-write at least thrice more. Two are part 1 and 2 of my autobiography. I don’t think I’ll include my thank-yous at the end of part 1; if I do include them, they will be heavily edited by myself. I’m still writing out part 2. I’ve always said I want to publish these “because even if I only help one person, I will” feel as if I’ve done what I planned (that quote comes from part 1 of my autobiography)!

I’m also ready because time is running very low now. Bank accounts are at an all time low, I’m having more and more health issues arise (mental, physical, and spiritual) from both my own and family members. I can’t deny any more all the subliminal messages and overt messages that have been placed in front of me lately. I see inspirational quotes, movie clips, search terms, magazines, etc. everywhere I look! Right now I’m looking at a sign I said I was going to hang up in my bedroom somewhere, but I haven’t (maybe it’s a good thing, too because I keep looking at it more and more now). The sign reads: “When you feel like quitting, think about why you started!”

Yes, it’s time! I’m ready! I’m not looking back now! When this all comes to fruition, I will be sure to post all the details here: on this blog! You will all know and, I hope, support me!

Who’s ready? I’m ready! Here I am; send me, LORD! I come to do Your Will!

Love and prayers, for success and, as always! ❤

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Contemplating Again

So time to use this blog as it was originally meant to be: contemplating, sharing my feelings, and self therapy.

I’m sitting here at my table/desk in my bedroom; I’m supposed to be doing research for things to do for my company. I can’t focus right now. My thoughts are on many things right now. So here I am again; contemplating, reflecting, and nearly crying. My emotions are high today!

I’m trying to hang on and not give up, but for some reason my thoughts are running in circles. I started listening to a sermon that Thayne gave a while back about “What is this church-thing?” and “neighbors.” I haven’t finished it as of yet because Mom and Steven came home and neither one (each for a different reason) likes me listening to them. I’m pretty sure Mom doesn’t like it because she thinks (I’ve asked her before so I know) I want to “join his religion” or “believe like him.” To which, in my head, I’ve often responded “So what if I do!? It makes more sense than what I currently am taught.” I still believe this to a certain extent. Steven doesn’t like me listening to them because he doesn’t really believe too much about religion and because “you really should be doing research for our company; or do you want to serve cookies and ice cream your whole life?” He’s right; I don’t want to serve cookies and ice cream forever! I really should be researching.

My mind is also stuck on what search terms to use to find ideas I’ve had about making our company a success. Everything I try seems to turn into utter disaster; I can’t find a single thing that makes one company succeed while another fails. I look to all of you and ask for suggestions, but rarely does anyone respond to these entries. When I do get responses I get negative ones from people telling me either I shouldn’t even be doing this in the first place (trying to run my own business) or that I should try just working for someone else (which I’m doing and it’s not the best thing in the world some days). Both of these responses remind me that sometimes we are just living a life of illusion.

On another note, I may not post again for a while because it sounds like where I live is due for some very nasty weather tonight into tomorrow. I’m praying not because I’m supposed to take Mom to her cardiologist appointment in the morning and I have to work in the afternoon. I know Nicole said that weather shouldn’t be a factor, but no one can drive on ice and I mean no one! If I’m fired for not showing up because of not wanting to risk my life, fine! I can take it; I’d rather be safe at home without a job than injured or killed trying to get to my job!

Guess I’ve rambled on long enough this time. I’ve just finished helping Mom make two pizzas (hopefully they’ll agree with me this time) and we’ll be eating them in roughly 30-45 minutes. I’m also tired and ready to research a bit more; I just wish I knew what to search for and how to make my company succeed. Maybe I’ll even get to finish listening to my video.

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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