White Rabbit, Will I Have a White Christmas?

White Rabbit!

It’s already December 1! More and more I find myself in a deeper and deeper hole. Will I have a white Christmas this year? Will I even have a Christmas worth celebrating? These questions and more are swirling inside me. I’ve tried to keep quiet; I’ve tried to keep a smile on my face. It’s hard right now! Please don’t tell me how to make things differently; I don’t need someone to lecture me on how Steven (or I) should be looking for a better job or a job period. Don’t tell me that I’m not as bad off as I think. It has become so bad that even necessities must be put on credit cards right now. I have three bills left unpaid on my desk right now; they’re staring at me right now! How can I afford to pay them? How can I not?

I’m at wit’s end right now. I don’t want to believe things are this bad. At the same time, I can’t keep living in denial! I did that with Daddy’s death. I lived in denial for almost 11 years! I kept saying he’d come home one day. Finally, I’ve come to terms with it this year.

While the rest of the world goes about Christmas shopping for frivolities, I’m stuck wondering how I’ll pay the bills this month. Sure Mom gets supplemental income from annuities, social security, and Daddy’s pension, but I fear somehow these aren’t enough. If we are to say white is purity and being in black is good, then I fear I’m in for a terrible go of it this month and perhaps forever!

Sorry for the somber tone, but these are things that have been on my mind today and quite some time. This blog was initially meant as a way for me to vent; it was meant to be a way for me to tell others, “You’re not alone!” Keep that in mind before you come to me and lecture me on how Steven or I should be doing things differently; keep in mind that some people (such as myself and maybe even you) are just a paycheck away from living on the streets and through no fault of their own. With all that in mind, I’m going to leave you with a song that lately has been my song.

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

When I was small I believed in Santa Claus
Though I knew it was my dad
And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas
Open my presents and I’d be glad
But the last time I played Father Christmas
I stood outside a department store
A gang of kids came over and mugged me
And knocked my reindeer to the floor
They said
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Don’t give my brother a Steve Austin outfit
Don’t give my sister a cuddly toy
We don’t want a jigsaw or monopoly money
We only want the real mccoy
Father Christmas, give us some money
We’ll beat you up if you make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
Don’t mess around with those silly toys
But give my daddy a job ’cause he needs one
He’s got lots of mouths to feed
But if you’ve got one I’ll have a machine gun
So I can scare all the kids on the street
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Have yourself a merry merry Christmas
Have yourself a good time
But remember the kids who got nothin’
While you’re drinkin’ down your wine
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
Father Christmas, please hand it over
We’ll beat you up so don’t make us annoyed
Father Christmas, give us some money
We got no time for your silly toys
We’ll beat you up if you don’t hand it over
We want your bread so don’t make us annoyed
Give all the toys to the little rich boys
Songwriter: Ray Davies, Artist: The Kinks
“Father Christmas” © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, 1978


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Brief Update and Sorry for Not Being Here

So thanks to everyone who’s stuck around; I know I haven’t been here lately. Sorry! 😦 Life gets chaotic this time of year as any of you who have stuck around since I began this blog back in August of 2011 (I think).

I survived my Black Friday shift; it wasn’t bad in the sense of chaos or hectic/frantic rushes. In fact this year’s Black Friday was actually slow and very boring in comparison to other past Black Fridays. It sort of reminded me of a typical Saturday shift.

This Christmas is going to be a relatively calm and easy one; we aren’t putting our Christmas tree up this year as my wrists have mostly given up all hope of ever supporting things like our huge crates that we haul down from the attic every year and I never finished cleaning our Family/Recreation Room where we normally put the tree. I am still hoping to get a Christmas wreath this year and/or one of Daddy’s angels (I am going to try to get a photo of it up here some time) down from the attic. We have 3 angels, one for each of us remaining here on Earth.

I am happy to report I only need to buy 3 more gifts or for 3 more people and I’m done with Christmas shopping. I know it’s early, but as always I try to get done as soon as I can since I work in the mall.

This weekend begins Advent (I know I was wrong, Thayne! Sorry misremembered). I think we’re also beginning my favorite liturgical cycle: Cycle B or the Gospels will all be from Mark or John.

Well, guess I’d better sign off as I still have more to do and need to get some sleep (somehow) tonight!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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It’s Takeover Time by Me!

Anyone who has ever watched or listened to Yu-Gi-Oh! the Original Series, knows very well where that phrase came from and who said it. For those of you who haven’t, the character’s name is Seto Kaiba. (Why do I feel we’ve had this conversation before?! 😕 Well, no matter.) For some very bizarre reason most people can only ever see Seto Kaiba as the villain. Not me! I could always relate to him; probably because he’s the oldest of two brothers and has to help his brother (and himself) succeed in a world where they were initially looked down upon and even given up for adoption. While I may never have been given up for adoption, I have always helped Steven (my younger brother) out of many jams and feel that the world looks down upon us, too. Anyway, I’m digressing to the point of my entry tonight and before I forget, yet again, please forgive me for not tending to this blog as often as I should. I also don’t take kindly to anyone who has tried to put Steven or myself down either now or in the past. I promise you, I will find a way to stand up to you and your shenanigans in one way or another! 😉

The main point of this entry tonight was to tell you, I’m finally ready to take ownership of everything that I must do as the unofficial/legal leader of my family and my life. I know that most people think that I should just leave well enough alone and let Mom stay in charge. I used to think so, too. Things have been taking a lot of negative turns and I’m sure I’m not the only one to see some of them. I also have neglected going through some personal belongings and some of Daddy’s things. Mostly I neglected to do them because I kept trying to tell myself everything was okay. Nothing was wrong. In the end, nothing was done and I’m now sifting through piles and piles of papers, boxes full of magazines, old books (textbooks and just books in general), memorabilia that I have no idea what they are or why I saved them in the first place, and just things I forgot we had. With that being said, most likely I am not having a Christmas tree this year. I know that seems tragic to a lot of people, but really it’s also kind of not necessary. Steven and I know the real reason behind Christmas and it’s not really needed; it’s a hassle to get the Christmas stuff down from the attic (and my poor wrists aren’t taking it as well as they used to). Also we’re not planning to spend a lot on Christmas this year either. My bank account and credit card have seen better days.

All that being said, I’m finally taking ownership of making my company succeed, cleaning, and going through things to finally get rid of once and for all! I’m ready to make a difference and get this place cleaned up! It’s takeover time by me! 🙂

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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A New Goal Has Been Set

I went to my endocrinologist appointment this morning. I feared the worst, as I always do, and expected to get some harsh criticism for how my habits hadn’t been the best as of late. I was actually more surprised to hear things had roughly stayed the same. The only thing that changed is I was now challenged.

My doctor has challenged me to begin a more rigorous form of exercise: running/jogging! I haven’t run or jogged in a long time. I actually have lied in the past when I said I went running last year. I didn’t run; I didn’t even jog. I merely walked around the neighborhood a lot. I’m now being challenged to run or jog a mile at least once a week under 10 minutes by the end of next year (or as I challenged myself: the end of summer). I have roughly 12 months to accomplish this (at the earliest 10 months).

I’m not sure how well I’ll do or if I’ll even succeed, but it’s worth a try. I really want to prove to people I can do this; heck, I want to prove to myself I can do this. I am willing to try. I hope I can do this and not wind up in the hospital. I’m certain that I can make this and maybe even lose a little weight here and there! That’d be awesome! Just how far is a mile from my house? I wonder. I’ll have to measure that out one day. Until, then, I’ll just keep trying and hopefully I’ll write more in this blog, too!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Must Be Nice

Recently someone told me they were going on a min-vacation before the holidays start. I feel happy for them and yet at the same time find myself saying/thinking, “Must be nice.” I don’t have a lot of time or extra money to put towards such niceties and wish I did. I do my best to keep a budget and make sure some fun and games are had, but overall I have to just keep working and watch as others enjoy vacations, new clothes, a new car, or a day off work in general. I’m never able to enjoy things like that; I can’t remember the last time I actually had something new. The last new item I remember was my plush doll that I bought myself as a Christmas present last year and let Steven give me.

My original character/inkling from Splatoon: Luna Blue

I can’t really enjoy things like this because I don’t often have the money. In my opinion, I barely make enough to cover the expenses I have for necessities (e.g., monthly health insurance premiums, food for lunch, prescription medicines, etc.). When I do treat others or myself it’s because of a birthday or to celebrate a successful outcome (e.g., I had a secret shopper at work give me a 94% out 100% on my performance). My gifts are usually second-hand, i.e., I get them from consignment shops. If I don’t get them second-hand, I buy them on sale at a steep discount (50-75% off) or I make them.

I often find myself thinking about the niceties around this time of year; people are just starting to think about the winter holidays and planning times to get together with their family and friends. Me? I’m thinking about my upcoming doctor’s appointment (which I’m dreading), how I’ll afford Christmas gifts this year, all the added stress at work (more customers and special orders), finding new health insurance for Steven and me again (our current ones won’t be offered again next year), and trying again to pay off my credit card (already had to put 3 more charges on it today alone).

Remember me as you start planning your pre-holiday vacations and start looking at your holiday budgets; I’ll just be here in my second-hand clothes and eating on some ramen noodles (despite it being bad for me it’s all I can usually afford) while surfing the web on some outdated technology wondering how I’ll be able to keep myself (and my family) afloat with my ever-growing credit card bill (hopefully able to find some health insurance, too).

Love and prayers, as always (’cause we all know how much I need them now). ❤

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Not Qualified and That’s Alright with Me

We’re hiring (still) for an assistant manager as well as just sales associates at Nestle Toll House Cafe/Haagen-Dazs. We’ve been hiring for a long time now and so when I mentioned this to my family, Steven told me that I should go ahead and see if I was qualified to be an assistant manager. I honestly didn’t think I would be and didn’t really want to be one, but the more I thought about it the more I considered that it would be a possibility. I know I’m still, in my eyes anyway, a leader-in-training. I haven’t quite figured out how to lead completely on my own yet and I’m okay with that. I can lead at home, or so I think, a bit better than I used to and I’m taking initiative a lot more.

Anyway, so I was going to ask last night at work, but didn’t get around to it. I stopped by the store on Mom’s and my morning walk today. I asked Thayne and basically was told in a nutshell that I’m not qualified. That’s alright with me. I’m fine with that. I don’t mind not being completely in charge just yet. I have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do in that regard. I know I’m probably never going to be as great of a leader as some of the role models I have, but that’s okay. Being a leader is a lot of responsibility and hard work. I know I can manage in time, but I’m still learning. I think I might still be in Leadership 301 or so, but you know what? Given enough time and experience, I might be qualified in the future for such a role as an assistant manager. I’m pretty sure of that. Maybe in time, that’s what God has in store for me. Never know! 🙂

(On a side note, photos of our remodeled store will be coming soon; I just haven’t had time to get around to taking them. 😉 )

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Remodel Date and White Rabbit

White Rabbit!

So this evening, as I’m typing this entry most likely, our Nestle Toll House Cafe is being remodeled. I’m kind of sad actually to see it go; it means a lot to me not just because I’ve worked here the longest of any place ever, but also because it means I’ve failed again.

In my eyes, I’ve failed because I said I would make it out of Nestle’s before a remodel. I wanted to so badly find another job or better yet, make my business a success. None of that has happened. 😥 I’m still looking on how to make my company a success so I no longer have to leave my home and greatest friend in the world. I also don’t want to have to leave when there is ice all over my driveway and risk crashing into someone because I veered off our driveway and careened through the yard into oncoming traffic. I also don’t want to risk being unable to come home again for any reason.

Recently Steven told me something that moved me to tears, but also has me motivated to find a way to get our business up and running sooner rather than later. He informed me, “You know what my biggest fear is now?” He paused knowing full well I had no idea. “That you won’t come back home.” 😥 😥 I have no words.

I fear similarly. I fear one day I won’t make it back either; there have been at least 3 shoplifters in the course of 3 weeks (two Fridays ago was the last one). I fear someone is going to hurt me so badly in an incident like that even if I’m just a bystander. Yes, I’m also afraid one day I won’t want to come home. I’ve often thought about it. The only thing stopping me is knowing that Steven would be totally lost without me.

Well, back to the main topic, the remodel. I have one before picture, which I will post below this. I will try to take an after picture tomorrow, or some time soon, but I make no promises.

This is our store prior to the remodel.

Not much else to report for now, so I’ll sign off and try to write more soon!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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It’s Been Crazy!

I know I promised to get back to a normal posting schedule, but it’s been crazy! Finances, weight gain, stress, health, blood sugar/glucose, and on and on it goes! I am terribly sorry for neglecting this blog. I hope you can all forgive me for not being back sooner.

First the remodel of Nestle Toll House Cafe was supposed to be 2 weeks ago, but it was postponed ’til a week from today. That put some stress on us at work to maintain status quo. Several people at work have gone back to school which means I’m working more during the week. Working more during the week has made my wrist hurt more — darned carpal tunnel! As I type this to you my right wrist is throbbing with pain (perhaps I should have put my brace on) and I’ve also smashed my upper arm into the door leading to the back room. I also have been emotionally hurt lately. The more days I spend at work, the fewer days I’m home; the fewer days I’m home means the more I miss being with Steven. I can’t exactly cut my hours any more or I can’t pay my bills.

Speaking of paying bills, my health insurance and two other bills are due soon and I don’t know how I’m going to pay them! I don’t get paid until next Monday. My health insurance is due on the first as is another bill. My last bill, luckily, is not due until Halloween.

Halloween is posing a threat this year, too. My endocrinologist appointment is on Halloween and I’m not looking forward to this at all! My fasting numbers were doing great, but I had to go and mess things up again. 😡 You see with all this stress that’s been going on, I actually started eating more (because, remember, I’m a stress eater). As I’ve been eating more, my weight’s gone up and my blood sugar/glucose numbers also increased.

We just recently made our way, finally, back to our normal Mass time of 5:00 pm Saturday. Yesterday was our first Saturday back in a long time. I can honestly say I missed my Saturday evening Masses. It’s usually calmer, more relaxed, and a bit more casual. The only thing I didn’t miss was the actual Mass itself. I’m still not convinced I’m staying Catholic after the inevitable passing of Mom, but that’s still another topic that deserves its own entry.

Anyway, starting today, when I went for my normal Sunday/midweek (I know usual midweek is usually Wednesday, but bear with me) grocery shopping, I bought some healthier options for snacks and lunches this week. I bought a pre-made salad (because I rarely have time to make one and trying to cut all the veggies myself is usually a bad idea because of the sharp objects 😉 ), a pre-made healthier sandwich (with spinach, chicken, and artichokes — maybe something else in it; I can’t remember), and some banana chips (I don’t like regular bananas but I like banana chips (I know I’m strange). I also bought some tortilla chips because I don’t really like potato chips any more and they’re healthier; I even purchased some yogurt for breakfast and some cheese in case I want to have some as a snack some night or day.

Well, that’s pretty much all that’s been happening around here, but as soon as I can get more time to myself I promise I will be back to this blog more regularly.

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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The Ultimate Sacrifice

Today, 16 years ago, USA changed in ways none of us could have ever imagined. Post-September 11, many people decided to give of themselves and become something bigger. These people made the ultimate sacrifice (remember last entry I said “sacrifice = love”) and enlisted in the armed services and decided to fight for the freedom that Americans value so much. We have many freedoms here and if it wasn’t for all these brave men and women, we wouldn’t have many freedoms left.

I thank all of them for their service and sacrifice. Some lost more than they probably thought they would; maybe the lost a limb or sight. Maybe, sadly, some lost their friends or loved ones. All in all, these brave men and women fought because they love(d) this great nation of ours and are willing to do whatever it takes to prove that we are united in love, freedom, and will not give in to terrorists, threats, or violence of any kind!

As cliché as it is, “united we stand; divided we fall!” We are here to help each other no matter the cost or struggles. We will fight for what is right!

Thank you everyone and yes, God bless the USA! ❤

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Sacrifice = Love

We went to Mass this morning instead of last night since I had to work late, which seems to be a reoccurring theme at work lately (not that I’m complaining but I’ll get to that in a bit). While listening to Fr. Mike’s homily this morning I can completely say I related to the fact that he said out of love for someone we will make great sacrifices. We make sacrifices to see that those we love are happy and they know we love them. I do this a lot! I sacrifice a lot of my own happiness to ensure others (usually Mom and Steven) know how much I love them and care about them. This brings me back to why I’m not complaining about working so much lately.

I have had to work more than I normally do or later than normal because, once again, we are short-staffed. I also have had to work more because most of the staff we do have is high school students and they can’t work as many hours as the rest of us nor can they work during school hours (that should be obvious). I don’t mind working more because, even though this isn’t my dream job, I’ve kind of grown to like it to an extent. I also don’t complain because I’m making sacrifices to eventually show those I love how much I love them. I’m showing Mom and Steven I love them by treating them to certain events, food, etc. Today I treated them to brunch and dinner. I also bought my own groceries as well as some other items Mom needed. I know I should always buy my own groceries, but usually Mom does it because she says “I love you and want you to not have to worry about it.” Okay so she’s even sacrificing a bit out of love. 🙂

Well, that’s all I had to say about sacrifice equaling love. I guess before I forget, there’s not going to be a remodel a week from today. 😥 Our cabinets that were supposed to go in the store, are actually “stranded” per se on Long Island. Not sure now when our remodel will occur, but I’ll let you know again when it comes up.

Tonight is a work meeting and I’ll have to get ready in roughly 15-20 minutes to head out to the store/mall. Supposedly we’re going to have pizza, but I’m not sure how much I can eat. I had too much for dinner with Mom and Steven and lots of unnecessary food (like sugar-free jelly beans). 😳 Anyway, we’ll see what happens. I’ll do my best to report back soon, but work is kind of taking over at the moment and leaves a lot to be desired at home, etc. I have plenty to do here as well.

So that’s all on this front; I’ll try to write more soon. I pray all of you in the path(s) of the hurricane(s) stay safe and are out of harm’s way. ❤

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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