Sometimes Words Don’t Come

Sometimes words don’t come. Sometimes words are hard to express. I have difficulties with oral words more than written, and other days it’s the other way around.

Words don’t come naturally to me when I try to speak. I wish I could explain why, but the closest I’ve ever come to explaining this strange phenomenon to others is simply I don’t like being put on the spot and oral words expect you to do just that. You have to be spontaneous and speak in an ad hoc manner. I am great at ad lib or extemporaneous joking and acting, but trying to give a speech is different. I always fear someone will misunderstand what I’m trying to say or it doesn’t come out as great as it did in my head. I wish people could see the images in my head when I try to converse with them.

Often my images in my head come out better than the words I’m trying to say. It would sure be nice to take a photo or make a painting of these images so as to express my words without words. :-/ Does that make sense?! 😆 I think I just bungled my words again!

I’m sure by now you’re probably thinking, This girl isn’t making any sense today! What is it she’s trying to get at? I think she’s just speaking nonsense like that other time. I have news for you; I wasn’t trying to make nonsense this time. I actually was trying to be coherent, but because words haven’t been my friend today I don’t think I’m doing a good job at it. Maybe I just proved my point from my title; sometimes words don’t come.

If you must know there is two underlying reasons for this entry. One was simply because I realized just how hard it was for me to come up with words while at work today; the other reason was I hadn’t written in a while and I felt you all deserved an entry. My problem with both was words weren’t coming to me as I had hoped they would. I guess a third reason, which really is subconscious until I just thought of it now, is that I know I want to converse with a really good friend of mine soon. I don’t know when I’ll get to it, but I know he’ll be around next week and maybe I can talk to him at that point. Who knows!

Well, that’s all I have for this time. I’ll try to write more and update you all on getting together with my friend, but time will only tell when I’ll get to that, and anything else that comes up along the way! 🙂

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Is This the Way the Story Goes?

I’ve always thought of my life, and that of others, as a story. More appropriately, I’ve thought of it as a play or a movie; things are somewhat scripted, but mostly the actors and actresses can ad lib whatever they feel is appropriate in any given scene or situation. The cast grows larger and larger as the story (or life) becomes longer and longer. Actors and actresses (people we encounter in our lives) exit and enter at seemingly random times; perhaps they’re more supporting actors or actresses. Maybe they’re extras, the people in the background, and have very little interaction with us. Perhaps the supporting actors or actresses take on a bigger role and become co-stars.

So today, my story is a big bundle of emotions. As the star and director of my own play or movie, I should be able to figure out what to do next. Sadly, I do not. I’m not sure if this is the way the story goes. I’m lost right now. Perhaps I’ll have to study the script more. I think I’ll have to consult the producer (God) and see what He has in mind. I’m not sure any more.

For now, let’s take five! 😉

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Will You Lead Today?

Yesterday I was asked by a co-worker if I could lead so she could rest up and get rid of a headache. Sure she was still at work and made it through her shift just fine, but she really didn’t “feel like being a leader” that day. Being a shift leader at work means lots of things aside from the normal leader duties there’s also baking to be done, change to be made for bills, and resolving the occasional dispute between customers and my co-workers.

I told my co-worker/friend, I really didn’t mind leading. In fact most (if not all) days I’d rather be the leader. I don’t like having my hands tied and unable to do something. I just want to lead and help others find their way or share my bit of advice here and there.

Will I lead today? Sure! Will I lead tomorrow? You betcha! Will I lead next week? Without a doubt! Will I lead next month? Most likely! Will I lead next year? You can bet on it! Long story short, given any situation almost 9 times out of 10 I would rather lead than follow. It’s just who I am. I’m a leader; watch me lead! 😀

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

(PS Sorry for the short entry; I’m kind of tired today and now it’s my turn with a headache. :-/ )

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Prayerful Ride to Work

Today I rode to work mostly in silence except for a CD I played in my car that I normally only play when things are not going quite as I planned. The CD is actually now playing in my stereo (yes, I’m back in my bedroom typing entries to you all again, but that’s for another entry). The CD is I’ll Lead You Home by Michael W. Smith which I received this CD from my best friend in high school for an Easter gift one year, but eventually bought my own, new copy a few years later to make sure I had the lyrics to all the songs and a case to put the CD in when I wasn’t playing it.

Anyway, as I listened to it I was in prayer. I have had my share of ups and downs lately. I’ve been emotional and pretty much ready to start over with some areas of my life. After the 10-15 minute drive to work I decided it was best to just offer today up and let God do whatever God wanted with my life today. I think it’s safe to say, I’m not happy with myself for the last 10-15 minutes of my shift (maybe less). I practically snapped at a customer and was fairly snarky with her. I think I’ve been working here too long because I practically jumped down her throat trying to explain why Haagen-Dazs ice cream is much better than Baskin Robins and why a $5 ice cream from Haagen-Dazs is better than buying $5 worth of ice cream elsewhere.

On my way home, I listened to the CD again. I also talked with Mom via speaker phone. I don’t usually endorse talking on the phone while driving, but for me putting her on speaker phone helps. It makes me feel like she’s right there with me. I talked with her about my day and what I did after work (not sharing that in this blog, sorry). I told her I didn’t want her to worry about me; everything will hopefully sort itself out soon and in the long-term I will be happier (I hope).

So that’s my day, my ride do and from work was a prayerful one even if it wasn’t as great as I would have like it to be. My day at work was crummy (to put it politely) and I’m just so annoyed as of late. Please help me by praying things will soon be better for me and I’ll be sure to keep you all up to date on how things are progressing. 🙂 Thanks in advance!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Renewed, Rekindled, Remembered

Forgive me for not posting my usual post on the first. This past week has been a challenge on me in many ways I had not been expecting. I do not wish to divulge everything here for many reasons and I do not wish to get into those reasons either. I will write a little bit here and there about some other things that have been on my mind this past week and ending with today.

So last week while my general manager was away at her brother’s wedding another shift leader and I tag-teamed the duties that were normally on the general manger’s agenda/plate. I learned a lot about myself then. I have truly grown as a leader and person in general. I learned that it isn’t easy to reprimand a fellow employee when you have no idea what may or may not have happened. You have to realize that almost always the customer is right. It stings and, in my honest and humble opinion, it sucks! Customers can be down right jerks sometimes and just want the employee to be in trouble for some reason or another. At any rate, I had no choice but to talk with my employee and I wasn’t the only one to talk with him. My other shift leader talked with him as well. I even had learned that I am fairly strong both physically and psychologically.

I had to take care of shipments that came to the store this past week and the week before this. I put away the dry goods and refrigerated/freezer goods. I found out I could lift up to 45 pounds before struggling. While it may not seem like much, I must inform you that for a long time I couldn’t even lift 10 pounds without struggling. I am getting my strength back slowly but surely. Maybe I’ll finally be back to my capacity of lifting up to 75 pounds. I could never lift more than that and I don’t want to strain myself by forcing myself to do more than that or even trying to lift more than 45 at the moment. So I’ve renewed my commitment to being a leader and training myself to be stronger. (I don’t want to get into my psychological strength at the moment.)

I went to the cemeteries this past week to pay my respects to my family members and to “visit” Daddy. I didn’t want to stay as long this time with him, but I felt he knows what’s been going on and there was no need to re-explain all this to him again. I feel he was actually laughing and carrying on a conversation in my heart and soul the whole time I was there with Mom. So I remembered my family members and rekindled a relationship with a family friend (and former pastor) who was at one of the cemeteries.

Lastly, I went to Mass last night all tired and worn out from a long two weeks of work and very hungry as I had eaten very little all day (no, I don’t want to talk about why I ate so little either). I had expected to hear another humdrum homily from Fr. Mike (our pastor) or a lengthy and spiritual monologue by our parochial vicar Fr. Saiki. Neither was the case. As it was the vocational director came by to celebrate Mass. I was actually quite entranced by this homily of his. He walked back and forth in front of the altar talking with us and explaining in simple terms what Pentecost means and the Holy Spirit’s role. I was renewed and felt my soul revived; I remembered then what it was that made me so happy way back when to be Catholic. I also realized it was that same reason why I was so invigorated when I found Thayne’s sermons online. When someone speaks in a profound and simple manner, I understand; I become inflamed with the gift of the Spirit to share my love of God and Jesus with others. I actually understand! I want to spread this Word with others! (Perhaps this is what I miss and why I am finding myself less and less attracted to things of the Catholic world as a whole.)

Anyway, I just wanted to share this with all of you and remind you, I’m still here. We’re still traveling this road, this journey of life, together! I’m still here and hopefully we are going to see some positive changes coming our way soon. God only knows how much we all need it and who can help us find our way again! Here’s a hint, God knows and will help us! ❤ 🙂

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Ten Years Ago, I Said “Good-Bye”

Okay, so this should have been posted on May 21 or May 22, but I got busy and never made a post. I apologize for that. Anyway, without further ado here’s my post.

Ten years ago, I said “good-bye” to Daddy. I stood at his casket adorned in the yellow roses we had purchased and a ribbon had just been handed to me by one of the funeral workers. On the blue ribbon in gold glittering letters was the word “Daddy.” I never could, nor probably ever will, be able to call him “Dad.” I had buried my head into my cousin’s wife’s arm and just sobbed. I didn’t want to say “good-bye.” It sort of brought some closure to everything that had transpired over the course of a week, but it also seemed surreal.

Now, 10 years later and nearly Memorial Day in the USA, I am probably finally able to close all this. I will not stop talking or bragging about him, but I think it’s finally time to move on and say “good-bye” or at least “see you when next we meet.”

Well, that’s all for this time. I’ll do my best to write again soon, but I make you no promises. I hope this was well worth the wait!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Finally Time to Move Forward?!

Ten years is a long time to miss someone; 10 years, a decade, is a long time to mourn the loss of someone. I have been in mourning for 10 years over Daddy’s death. Daddy is (because in my eyes he still is even if he’s not physically here any more) my perfect role model in my life! I haven’t found anyone any closer to who I would like to be than him; I’ve found people who are close (you can find them in my father figures and leader role model entries; search for those terms and I’m sure you’ll find them all), but none are as perfect as him. Daddy, Steven, and Thayne are my top three, but Daddy will always be first!

Today marks a decade since Daddy has been gone. He left this earth at about 6:00 a.m. 10 years ago today. I have been mourning his death ever since. Not a day goes by when I don’t consciously think about him. I kept waiting for him to enter the door and say, “I’m not dead; I’m here now! We don’t have to worry any more! Everything is going to be fine!” I’ve waited and longed for that day. Finally, I feel, I am ready. I am ready to close this chapter of my life.

Today I am going to finally stop living in denial. I am going to finally move forward. I have finally learned to accept Daddy won’t be entering that door. It’s time for me to step up and be the leader. I am ready, I hope, to move forward!

I know I will still miss Daddy dearly and look at his photos often. I will also remember the wonderful times we spent together; our jokes we shared; his inspiration; his skills he passed on to me (such as how to stay calm at work and when dealing with Mom, and other difficult people); and so much more! I can’t say I won’t stop thinking about him, but perhaps I will finally be able to grow and become who I am truly meant to be and stop obsessing over him. Daddy wouldn’t want me to be sad or to obsess constantly over him. It will be hard, but perhaps it’s time. Yes, maybe it is!

One last entry will be about him and that will be in about 5 days (May 21); it will mark the 10-year anniversary of his wake and the following day (his funeral/burial). That doesn’t mean I won’t talk about him off and on; au contraire, I will merely speak of him to honor him and hopefully not to obsess over him. ❤

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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The Beginning of His End

Ten years ago today I (along with Mom and Steven) had to make the most difficult decision of our lives to date. We had to agree to let Daddy live out the rest of his days (we didn’t know then how many/few he had left) in a hospice care center. I had no idea at the time what hospice care is, but after doing enough research at home during a lunch break I soon realized just how dire our situation had become. I didn’t want to believe it at the time, but Daddy’s earthly journey was nearly complete and my leadership journey was just beginning.

When we finally talked with the hospice representative at the hospital and signed the papers, I was deeply saddened. I think that was when Daddy realized himself that things weren’t so great. He actually had talked with us individually about 2 or 3 days prior. At that time and that’s probably when he realized he wasn’t returning home with us. That was when he told me to “never quit smiling; you’re my sunshine even when the skies are grey. You make everyone around you so happy; you make me happy. Don’t ever quit smiling!” I told him I wouldn’t, but it would be hard and believe me it is  hard and I have done my best to never quit smiling.

We signed the papers and Daddy was being transported to the hospice center via probably ambulance, but I truthfully do not  know. I only know that was when I backed into another driver in the hospital parking lot. We agreed that we wouldn’t press charges because “we each have something more important and valuable right now.” I never told Daddy I backed into someone, but there is now a tell-tale sign on my rear bumper and I finally told Steven about only 2 or 3 years ago. Daddy now knows, too (I’m sure).

After we all arrived at the hospice center, one of the first people to greet us in his final room checked out Daddy’s feet and told us “He’s on a journey now; he’s finishing his journey.” I didn’t understand too well at the time, but apparently a lot of people nearing the end of their lives have their feet moving as though they’re walking along a path; they are “traveling home” per se.

Daddy’s first meal was fried chicken “that a guest before him left.” I was too shook up and caught in my own emotions to realize this meant they had died before getting to enjoy their meal. How tragic! 😥

So why am I writing such a sad entry tonight? Well, I figured this might help me with my coping this past week. For the past few days I’ve been rather emotional and sick (I think probably I’ve made myself sick thinking about all that happened in the past decade). I hadn’t been able to keep food down for about 3 or 4 days, but finally Friday I was able to eat some shrimp and mashed cauliflower. I also think it’s time I actually came to terms with everything that has transpired over this past decade. Maybe it’s time to slowly start closing this chapter of my life, finally, and moving on to a new chapter. I’ve been “re-reading” this chapter for far too long and maybe that’s why I’ve been so depressed and unable to get things going or moving forward. It’s time; I also know Daddy wouldn’t want me to keep dwelling on the past. It’s time to move on and finally become who I am supposed to be (whomever that is)!

Please bear with me as I finish this chapter (these next two or three entries) and try my best to finally move on to my next chapter; maybe I’ll even try to finish writing this part of my autobiography into my spiral notebook (even if I can’t type it into the computer yet). Time will tell and perhaps it’s finally time to let my wounds heal. Thanks in advance!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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A Leader Is Born

Ten years ago tonight, a leader was born. Okay more appropriately a leader took charge. Ten years ago Daddy ended up in the hospital and never came home again. I took over leadership that very day. I can’t say with any certainty that he knew it was inevitable; in fact I can’t even say he realized right away what had happened. From the moment he cried “Mommy! Mommy!” to the moment he awoke again in the CCU (critical care unit), I’m sure his mind was racing and not aware of much. I just remember rushing Mom and Steven into my car and speeding down our main street to get to the hospital as fast as I could. I didn’t care if the house was locked when we left; I didn’t even care if someone was speeding down the road trying to stop me from going so fast. I had an emergency to take care of and I was going to do it no matter what! I also remember getting to the hospital and later ending up with a really bad migraine. My uncle Bob escorted Steven and me down to the main floor via elevator even though I hate elevators. I buried my head in his arms, much like I used to do with Daddy. That evening was a big blur. I only remember crawling into bed and falling asleep almost instantly upon hitting my pillow. I have no idea who brought Mom home or how late it was when she finally showed up. I called in to work the next day saying, “I can’t come in to work today; my daddy’s in the hospital and I don’t know when I’ll be back.” I called to cancel appointments for dentists and another doctor; I called family and friends alike. I was now, whether I liked it or not, a leader. I knew that as soon as we’d get Daddy out of the hospital he’d be very proud of me and tell me he’d take over again. I knew I’d be fine; I knew he would be fine! How hard this decade has been on me. How hard it’s been on all of us. I will never forget any of this! Never ever! 😥 A leader was born 10 years ago today. Ten long years!

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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Steven’s Day

Today is Steven’s birthday and I suspect he most likely is feeling that it hasn’t been the best one. Mom keeps insisting I take her places, pay attention to her, and wanting to share the story of when Steven was born to anyone who will listen to her.

I’m trying to make this birthday a great one for him. I wrapped his present and signed his card. I’ve also drawn him a picture (granted it isn’t the best one I’ve done) on miiverse. I also felt that he could have done better. Anyway, he’s told me he’s happy with it and glad he’s happy.

Today may not have been the happiest for Steven, but I’m sure it beats some awful things that have happened in his life.

Also, sorry this entry’s not much longer, but I can’t think of anything else to write. My allergies are bothering me tonight, too.

Love and prayers, as always! ❤

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